I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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