if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
