4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
