I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
