someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
ok first of all what the fuck
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
