I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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