I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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