the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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