it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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