So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
