In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
