sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
