God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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