I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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