My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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