Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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