My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
farters have to be the big spoon...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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