I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
