I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
