your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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