first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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