Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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