I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
