I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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