We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
