Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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