Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
