just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
