my vag is so smooth its legendary
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
