just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
