Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
