I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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