He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
