I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
