I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
