I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
