he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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