im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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