if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
