Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
