I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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