i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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