meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize