i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
