i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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