Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
