I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
