someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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