I heard we made out
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
