Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
