I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
