I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize