I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
