Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
