the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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