I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
