She told me I should be a condom model.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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