I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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