Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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